[轉貼] 婚前討論題目 from 楊右任臉書

about 婚前討論題目

想象兩個陌生人在某處遇見，幾通電話和晚餐後，他們現在成了男女朋友。

他們喜歡在電話中聊天、看電影、逛街、親嘴和觸摸；
兩人都非常享受和對方相處的時間。

不知不覺的過了幾年後；
雙方也都差不多到達適婚年齡了，
所以自然的他們轉向男友/女友，
才驚覺他/她根本就不適合成為自己未來另一半的角色。

這時他們才發現自己卡在一段感情裡，不能前進踏入婚姻；
因為他們對人生的期許非常不同，但卻也不能分手；
因為雙方交往太久，兩人都太習慣了。

這種案例其實很常發生，在和我分享兩性關係的人當中，
我已經一次又一次的在不同的人身上聽見相同的故事。

所以說與其等到要結婚時才想到婚前討論題目，
我通常都鼓勵大家在交往的最前期(某些甚至交往前)就一起討論。

因為交往中的親密接觸有時候會影響當事人看不見長遠的道路，
所以如果雙方能在花上時間和精力前就事先討論這些主題，相信這對所有人都有幫助。

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這裡有一些我想出來的婚前討論主題和題目，
希望這些問題能啟發大家思考出更多更適合自己的討論內容。

雙方期待：會對兩性關係感到失望的最大原因之一就是雙方都帶著錯誤的期待。
1. 這段感情的目的是什麼？
2. 你覺得一個丈夫/妻子的角色是什麼？
3. 你想象中的完美婚姻看起來應該是怎樣？
4. 我們兩個的感情有可能會遇到哪些挑戰？

雙方期待： 想象有一個人的目標是努力工作建立起價值千萬的事業和生活水平，
而另一個人則是想要成為海外宣教士，奉獻出所有的金錢和時間生活在非洲國家。

這兩個人的目標都非常好，但這是兩個完全不同方向的目標。
1. 你覺得你10年後會是什麼樣子？
2. 你的短期/長期目標是什麼？(個人、經濟、家庭、身體、精神、生活水準)
3. 你的伴侶在你的這些目標中扮演的是什麼角色？
4. 在什麼情況下你會改變你的目標？

信仰理念：對於某些人而言，他們的政治/宗教理念在生活中可能是非常重要的一部分。
1. 你的政治/宗教理念對你而言有多重要？
2. 你需要你的伴侶在你的理念中參與多少？
3. 你是否會將你的理念(儀式)傳遞給你的孩子？
4. 你的原生家庭有哪些政治/宗教理念?

生活習慣： 當一對情侶住在兩個不同地方時，這可能不是什麼大問題，
但結婚後，你們大部分的時間都會跟對方在一起，而這些小小的生活習慣就可能會堆積成為大事情。
1. 你理想中最好的時光是該怎麼度過？
2. 你有沒有什麼隱藏的習慣是我不知道的？(要誠實)
3. 你覺得一個家庭中的責任大家該怎麼分擔？
4. 討論一下互相對煙酒、毒品、藥物癮或疾病的看法。

生活習慣：這是一個夫妻最容易爭論的話題，與其遇到時再討論，不如事先理解雙方對金錢的看法。
1. 你的錢大部分都花在哪裡？
2. 我們將來的收入來源會是什麼？
3. 你的經濟目標是什麼？
4. 我的錢是你的嗎？你的錢是我的嗎？(婚姻關係)

經濟觀念： 年輕的情侶要想這個話題可能會覺得有點遠，
但相信我，這些題目在孩子出生後會更難想清楚。
1. 你想要在幾歲的時候生孩子？要生幾個？
2. 你想要教給兒女最重要的價值觀是什麼？
3. 你會怎麼教養你的兒女？
4. 夫妻是不是有一方需要待在家中照顧兒女？

養兒育女：當你嫁娶某一個人後，他/她的家人也會成為你的家人。
1. 你的父母在我們的關係中會扮演什麼角色？
2. 你喜歡/不喜歡成長中父母教養你的哪個方式？有沒有成長的陰影？
3. 你的家人是否保有某些我們一定要遵守的習俗？
4. 你的原生家庭中有沒有可能影響我們的遺傳疾病或紛爭問題？

Pre-marriage questions

Imagine two total strangers meet somewhere. A couple phone calls and dinners later, they are now seeing each other.

They like to talk on the phone, go to movies, shopping, kissing and touching; they enjoy hanging out with each other.

Years go by; and now they are at that age where everyone is getting married. So they turn around to look at their boyfriend/girlfriend only to realize that he/she is not suitable to play the role of their future spouse.

That's when they find themselves stuck in a relationship where they can't move forward and get married; because they have very different expectations of life. But they can't break up either; because they have been together for so long.

Stories like this actually happen a lot, I’ve heard it over and over again from the people who come to me about their relationship.

Therefore, instead of waiting until the time of marriage, I usually encourage people to go through pre-marriage questions at the very beginning of their relationship(some even before dating). Because the intimate acts from a relationship can sometimes paralyze people’s ability to see the bigger picture. So it’s a good idea to think about these questions before you spend years of your life with someone.

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Here are some pre-marriage topics and questions I put together. Hope this can inspire you to come up with more questions of your own.

Expectation: One of the biggest reasons for disappointment of relationship is because people get into it with the wrong expectations.
1. What is the purpose of this relationship?
2. What is the role of a husband/wife?
3. What does your ideal marriage look like?
4. What are some challenges we might face in this relationship?

Life goal: Imagine one person wants to work hard and build a million dollar business and lifestyle, and the other person wants to donate most of the money and time as a missionary in Africa. Neither of them are wrong, they are just two people with very different life goals.
1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
2. What are your short-term and long-term goals? (personal, financial, family, physical, spiritual, lifestyle)
3. How do you see your spouse in relation to your goals?
4. Under what circumstances will you change your goals?

Belief: It can be political or religious, and depending on the person sometimes it can be a very influential part of their life.
1. How important is your political/religious belief to you?
2. What kind of participation do you expect from your spouse?
3. Would you want to pass on your belief(practices) unto your children?
4. What kind of political/religious belief does your family have?

Lifestyle: When you live in two different places, this might not be an issue. But the reality is when you get married, you will spend most of your time with him/her, and those little habits of life can add up to something big.
1. What is your idea of a good time?
2. Is there any hidden habits I don’t know about you?(be honest)
3. How do you think the household responsibilities should be divided?
4. Let’s talk about alcohol, smoke, drug or addictions/disorders.

Finance: This is one of the biggest subjects couples argue about. It’s better to talk about it before you run into it.
1. What do you spend most of your money on?
2. What are will be our sources of income?
3. What is your financial goal?
4. Is my money yours? And yours mine?(in marriage)

Children: This may seem a little too far to think about for the younger couples. But trust me, once the kids come along, these questions will be even harder to think about.
1. At what age do you plan on having kids? And how many?
2. What’s the most important value to teach your children?
3. How would you discipline your children? 
4. Should one of us stay home and take care of the children?

Family: Once you married someone, his/her family will become yours too.
1. What is the role of your parents in our relationship?
2. What are things you like/dislike the way your parents raised you? Any scar from the past?
3. Are there any family customs of yours we have to keep?
4. Are there any family diseases/issues that can come into our relationship?